Tale of the Trids

Haven't done one of these for a while, and considering that I just went through workplace violence prevention training today, perhaps it's time to purge some of these non-conformist thoughts...

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On an island in the South Pacific, there lived a tribe of natives called the Trids.  They are a peaceful people, although, well, vertically challenged.  But their island had everything that they could want or need.  It was Paradise....except for the giant.

The giant lived on a mountain on one end of the island.  Every now & then, usually once every couple of months, the giant would come down from the mountain into the village of the Trids and kick them around.  No deaths, no broken bones, just lots of bruises.  Only the very young and the very old were spared the wrath of the giant.

One day, a cargo ship was passing by the island, and stopped for supplies.  On the ship was a Rabbi looking for a place to live for a while.  He saw the island as a sanctuary, a place to relax while he sorted out the problems of life in general.  The Trids welcomed the Rabbi as their guest, but they did warn him about the giant.  He promised that he would do his best to help save them from the giant.

The cargo ship sailed away with the captain promising to return for the Rabbi in four months.  And for about six weeks, everything was as if the Rabbi was in the Garden of Eden.  Then the giant came down off his mountain.

The Trids heard the giant, and ran screaming through the village for everyone to run and hide.  The Rabbi heard this commotion, and went to the front of the village to confront the giant.

And he saw the giant coming down the path from the mountain.  And he was huge!!  The Rabbi's confidence was fading with every step the giant took toward the village.  Finally, the giant reached the village and stopped in front of the Rabbi. 

The giant looked down on the Rabbi and started to chuckle a low, rumbling, bemused type of chuckle.  With every passing second, the Rabbi's knees began to shake.  The giant saw this, and chuckled louder.

Finally, the Rabbi couldn't take it anymore.  He looked up at the giant and shouted, "You're not going to kick the Trids around unless you start with me first!!  Well, get on with it!!  Start kicking!!"

The giant let out the loudest chuckling laugh ever heard, shaking the very ground and echoing through the land.  The giant leaned down and looked the Rabbi in the eye.  The Rabbi thought he was a goner as the giant fixed him with a penetrating gaze with his yellow eyes.

Still chuckling, the giant said, "Silly Rabbi.  Kicks are for Trids..."

200 Posts and 10,000 Visitors...

...and then I get tagged!!  This time, Always on Watch ever so nicely slipped me the assignment of listing 8 things/habits.  I normally treat such things as the electronic equivalent of a chain letter, but how can I say no to a teacher?  I sure don't want detention, so here we go...

1)  I was involved in sports 30 years ago, track mostly.  Didn't do much between then and a year ago when my wife and I started training together.  If I'm not careful, she's going to kick my ...

2)  One of my ancestors signed the Declaration of Independence.

3)  Learned how to play golf without a single lesson at 16, and was down to an 8 handicap after two years of playing.  I'm now fighting to keep an 18 to 20...why does it get to be so hard when you get older?

4)  Medically, I'm allergic to cats, but we have two and I'm not having any problems.  Go figure...

5)  I firmly believe that the Constitution of the United States outlines the most perfect form of government.  Now if we can just keep the politicians from mucking it up...

6)  Life is too short to not have fun.  Are we having fun yet?

7)  In God I trust - all others bring data.

8)  I speak my mind and opinion without much sugar - sugar is for my morning coffee.

 And no, I'm not going to tag anyone (unless you ask really, really nice...) 

Today's Headlines From Around the World

Bin Laden Surrenders to Afghan Authorities.

Iran Releases British Sailors - "It was all a big misunderstanding."

North Korea Opens Nuke Facilities for Inspectors

All Corrupt Politicians Resign - Congress Emptied - Elections to be Held in November

Al Qaeda Follows bin Laden's Example & Surrenders in Iraq

The Iraqi Government Resolves All Quarrels With Sectarian Leaders - A United Iraq At Last!

Iran Announces Nuke Program Halted, Ahmadinejad Resigns, Elections to be Held, and Holocaust Did Occur

Hillary Announces Withdrawal from Presidential Race

US Troop Funding Crisis Resolved

Islamic Radical Imams Call for Halt on Suicide Bombers - "Does not lead to Paradise"

Hamas & Hezbollah Disband

We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality...

Cat's New Year's Resolutions

This was sent to me by "Santa Paws," who somehow found a super-secret file with the cat's New Year resolutions.  How the cats managed to type all this in is beyond me, especially since they tend to eat the computer mouse... 

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.

It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

the Dry Bones Blog

I ran across this blog while reading the paper, strangely enough.  The author publishes a daily cartoon in Israel, and definitely puts some perspective on the policies of this country.

The latest is a toon from 1992 dealing with James Baker, and in his words,

James Baker is one of the architects of today's Middle East mess. Now, close to 15 years later, Baker is back. As is Jimmy Carter. Trying to sell us their same old tired, failed ideas about appeasing Arab dictators and pressuring the area's only democracy.  Again.

Here's the link:

http://drybonesblog.blogspot.com/2006/12/bush-and-baker-1992.html

Paddington Bear Kills 2500!!

Paddington Bear, a favorite of children everywhere, has been implcated earlier this month in multiple deaths in Milford, NH. He was caught at the scene of the crime dressed in a yellow raincoat and hat.

Mr. Bear is accused of murder by one of the most heinous methods - suffocation. The crime occurred at the New Hampshire Fish and Game Hatchery. The details of the crime are somewhat sketchy, but it is surmised that Mr. Bear blocked a drain in a tank, depriving oxygen to 2500 trout. The motive for the crime is unknown as Mr. Bear has asserted his 5th Amendment Rights and isn't talking to the investigating authorities.

The investigation is continuing into the crime, and the attorneys for the victims may pursue Mr. Bear for damages if the investigation finds that this is a hate crime as defined by Federal statutes.

At this time, the crime does not appear to be terrorist-related. To bear this out, a group calling itself the I.R.A. (Islamic Rights for Animals) has issued a fatwa on Mr. Bear since some of the victims may have been followers of Mohammed, which has prompted authorities to move Mr. Bear to an undisclosed toybox.

For the actual AP report on this incident, the link is here.

Railroad Trivia

Several years ago, I found this in a trade magazine and thought it was hilarious. I'm sure that the wide range of people that read this blog will find a similar application to their walk in life.

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From Machine Design, Jan 16, 1997, pg. 211.

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4' 8.5". Why was that gauge used? Because that is the way they built them in England, and US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by those who had built pre-railroad tramways, and thats the gauge they used.

Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools for railroad that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

So why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Because thats the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

And who built those old rutted roads? The first long-distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for their legions.

The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome, they all had the same wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The US Standard railroad gauge of 4' 8.5" comes from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman Army war chariot.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horses a** came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses!

Florida Condo for Rent

Since everyone seems to have Easter Weekend plans but me (I'm working), I thought I would pass on this offer to the readers of this blog:

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I haven't said anything to anybody about this until now, because I wanted to wait until things were finalized: I just purchased a one-bedroom condominium on Sanibel Island as an investment property.

I finally closed last week. So, I thought I would let you all know in case anyone is interested in accommodations for an upcoming getaway to the island. It's available for weekends or on a weekly basis. For now, I will be handling bookings until I can find an agent.

Weekends will cost about $100 for three nights and $250 for an entire week. These prices are low because they are for friends and family only. Prices will be a bit different for people I don't know, but I can discuss that on an individual basis.

In any case, it's a one bedroom, high-rise unit that overlooks the Gulf of Mexico, nestled among lush greens, a short walk to the beach and has a magnificent view of the Gulf of Mexico from every window!

By invitation only on a first-come, first-served basis. Limited reservations.

Let me know if you are interested See photo below.

Rescue!!

Oakland County, MI (AP) In a daring raid early this afternoon, the Oakland County Sheriff busted an illegal gambling and loan-sharking operation. In the process of executing the warrent, the Sheriff deputies were stunned to find a blogger only known by the name Tom being held for ransom. What was unusual were his kidnappers - his cats! However, the cats were not scooped up in the raid, and remain at large. Sheriff deputies released the following pictures of the suspected felines.

  

Details of the kidnapping remain sketchy at this time other than the ransom demand - sushi! Sheriff Deputies speculate that the operators of the illegal gambling den were tired of Taco Hell & Burger Queen takeout, and wanted something different. It is also unknown if the suspected kidnappers were to get a cut of the ransom.

While refusing to press charges against his feline catnappers should they be apprehended, Tom would only say that his cats were victims of an elaborate scam put on by the bookies suspected of being members of the notorius Yellowfin Tuna gang. He stated that they were sucked into a get rich quick scheme betting on the rat races at a little known track located in the Feline Republic. "They got in way over their tails," he said.

Ransom for Tom

Hello Bloggers Associating with Tom:

After much planning, we have captured Tom and are holding him in an undisclosed location.

If you EVER want to read any more posts from him, leave 5 pounds each of sushi-grade salmon and tuna in a cooler in the park at midnight tomorrow night.

The Cats

Translated by Babblefish from Feline to Human

Friday's Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

EU Language Agreement

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivunvil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vilfinali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Laws of Golf

With spring trying to break through here in Michigan, I thought this would be a nice respite from all the serious topics that I seem to post. I got this from a church golf outing, and thought I would pass it along.

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Laws of Golf

As every golfer knows, there are 103 things to keep in mind and perform each time you address a golf ball. However, very few golfers are aware that there are Laws of golf that also affect our games. Note that these are not found in the official Rules of Golf.

Law #1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18^th hole since it has the supernatural tendency to extend of the courts of a tournament, summer, and eventually your lifetime.

Law #2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

Law #3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

Law #4: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law #3).

Law #5: Golf balls never bounce off the trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking the Law of the Universe and should be cut down.

Law #6: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his/her playing partners must solemnly chant "You Looked Up" or invoke the Wrath of the Golfing Gods.

Law #7: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor to his playing partners.

Law #8: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

Assisted Suicide or Murder?

My cats are smart.

They listen to the news, and followed with some interest on the latest Supreme Court's decision on assisted suicide using perscription drugs. They had a toy mouse that needed to be put out of its misery, but they didn't want to go to the vet to get a perscription. They decided to do something else.

They dropped it in a water dish...

So A Frog Goes Into A Bank...

Just when you thought I only posted serious topics....
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."